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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in loser4life101's LiveJournal:

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Monday, September 7th, 2009
9:43 pm
This is the end.  I'm done with her shit when she doesn't care.  I gave up enough and she doesn't appreciate it.  I'm just another guy to her and I'm not playing that.  Some day she'll realize that it's not all about being the center of attention and maybe after she gets used enough she'll realize what she could have had with me and what I could have given her but by then it'll be too late but I'm sure she'll get over it when she finds comfort being a party slut for someone.

Current Mood: calm
Sunday, August 9th, 2009
12:16 pm
There's always the saying you don't know what you got until it's gone and now more than ever I'm starting to realize it.  As I'm getting ready to go back to school next week I have been thinking about how it was going to be leaving everyone again, not thinking it was a big deal.  Then I started thinking about Rachael.  She starts school this year and it's finally starting to sink in that were never again going to be together and her starting school is the start of us going in our own directions towards the rest of our lives.  The whole time we were dating we had talked about going to school's close to each other so we could stay together and how it would all work out.  We didn't even manage to make it that far but still it makes me think.  Still she is the only girl I can say I was absolutely without a question in love with and it hurts knowing that I may never find that closeness with any other girl.  I started thinking about her this past week and the one thing that keeps passing through my mind is that maybe I screwed everything up, maybe she was the girl I was supposed to be with forever, but I guess now we'll never know.  This is the beginning of the end I guess and it's sad to say but that's how life works, so I guess for now it's goodbye but I will always have a place for her in my heart no matter where I go.  I am just thankful that I got to experience such a love and all the memories we had because I know it will never be the same with any other girl.  So I guess this is goodbye to the girl I loved...



'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met till you were making me cry
And it's just too bad you're already had the best days
The best days of your life

Ain't it a shame
A shame that every time you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can't think straight?

And ain't it sad
You can forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see
Or do you wish it was me?

I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

And does she know
Know about the times you used to hold me
Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me
I'd be the only one?

I heard about
Yeah, someone told me once when you were out
She went a little crazy, ran her mouth about me
Ain't jealousy funny?

'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your

Life with me was a fairytale love
I was head over heals till you threw away us
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

I heard you're gonna get married, have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someone new
But I've been told that a cheater is always a cheater
So I've got my pride and she's got you

'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met till you were making me cry
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

Of your life, oh, oh yeah
You're gonna think of me
You're gonna think of me in your life
Oh, oh yeah

It's a shame, it's a shame
it's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame



Current Mood: blah
Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
10:30 pm
Pop another pill
Smoke another cigarette
This is the life I've chosen to live
Do it without regret
This is killing me I know
But we all die some day
I've just chosen a quicker way...

Current Mood: high
Monday, February 2nd, 2009
10:42 pm
All American Rejects- Gives You Hell
I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place

And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far

You've never seem so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard,
Do you even know where you are

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Yeah, Where'd it all go wrong, the list goes on and on

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell

Now you'll never see, what you've done to me
You can take back your memories they're no good to me
And here's all your lies,
You can look me in the eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song and sing along, oh you'll never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as well
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
And when you sing along I hope that it puts you through hell

Current Mood: blah
Sunday, February 1st, 2009
1:41 am

Dear Rachael,
 I wish I would have never met you.

Sincerely,
Kyle



Current Mood: aggravated
Tuesday, December 18th, 2007
10:34 pm
As of lately I've been kind of blah when it comes to Rachael; don't get me wrong, I've been so happy just being with her it's just I don't know how she feels anymore...  It's like all the excitement she had at the beginning of the year and like a month ago just faded away, not to mention I don't know how she feels because she doesn't openly tell me how she feels really so I just have to guess.  As of lately it seems I'm so excited to hang out with her and she just sees it as something shes used to doing not something she really wants to for the fun of it.  It just kills me to see her upset and because I feel with the boyfriend role that I should make her happy, because I know just being around her when I'm upset makes me feel that much better but I know I don't have that same effect.  I know that basketball makes her down all the time and I try to be there for her when she's down but its like she turns to everyone else to make her happy, no longer me and that just kills me...  I love her so much it's just that I wish I knew she felt the same....

Current Mood: blah
Wednesday, December 12th, 2007
4:33 pm
Rachael
    There is not a moment goes by that she's not on my mind.  It seems that everything reminds me of her, and this isn't a bad thing I must say.  Since we started dating again in September I have been content with where I am relationship wise;  I have found that one person that makes me happy, the one person I would do anything to be with, and better yet she is mine.  :)  Looking back, it now seems that no other relationship that I have ever been in could even compare to how I feel about this one.  All the times I told a girl I loved them now seemed meaningless, because if what I had with them was love, then there has not yet been a word created to describe this feeling...
    As happy as I am I still have my fears.  Because I am so happy and because I have so many feelings it would hurt even more to lose her.  I like to say I trust her that she won't hurt me 100% but I still have that little bit in me that is afraid she will one day realize I am not the "perfect" person that she tells me I am and she will no longer want to be with me.  But until that day comes (if it comes), I will remain happy to have her.  Another thing that scares me is that when I go to school next year she will get sick of me not being around and will want to find someone she can see daily.  As for me, I admit next year will be hard not seeing her every day, but I just see it as making the weekends and other periods of time we get to spend time together so much more special...
    I just always used to look at couples who have been together and were so happy and tell myself, that's what I want.  Now I have it and I am trying my best not to fuck up too bad, which I seem to manage to do quite often.  I try my best to keep her happy and give her what she deserves but at some point I seem to manage to screw up.  I don't deserve to have anyone so great but I managed to get her, so I will do my best to keep her around... =)

Current Mood: happy
12:39 pm
So it's been awhile...  Rachael and I finally started dating again, three months on this coming Saturday.  I got accepted at Penn Tech a couple weeks ago and I will be living in a house with Greg, Chad, and seven others so that should be fun.   I had a broken ankle for awhile and I started my job at Arby's...  Besides that nothing big has happened. =)
Monday, November 5th, 2007
9:49 pm
This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.

--Dashboard Confessional


Current Mood: happy
Tuesday, July 17th, 2007
11:34 pm

No More

This endless cycle
Start over again
Just like a bicycle
You never really forgot
Just get on the seat
And move your feet
And gradually
Pick up speed
Then just when you think
You're safe and sound
You hit a bump
Fall to the ground

I'm talking about love
I'm talking about life
That's the way I see it
I never really get it right

But after I fall I see it all
Just when and where
I dropped the ball
So next time around I'll hold on tight
But this time
It's another oversight

Lying on my back
I don't wanna get up
There's something peaceful about
Just giving up
No more ups and downs
It's just too much
No more hard goodbyes
No more love
And no more
Trying to be tough

No more

I'm not getting up
i'm not getting up
This time I'm really stuck
I'm not getting up

--Val Emmich


Current Mood: tired
Monday, June 4th, 2007
10:01 pm
"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

--Green Day


Current Mood: depressed
Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
10:12 pm
In my younger years, I used to be so free
But I don't know what's happening to me
We all know by now that time's the enemy
It controls us, tells us where to be
Don't know, don't care
If you need me, I'll be right here...
--MXPX


Current Mood: depressed
Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
11:00 pm
So tonight was a pretty fun night. Heidi texted me after school and asked what I was up to and if I wanted to go to State with her. I said yeah sure since we hadn't hung out in awhile and all. So we headed over and the store she wanted to go to wasn't open so we just went to the movies to see "300." It was a real good movie. On the way home we talked about relationships and everything and it was cool catching up since we've both been busy and never really get to talk. I missed hanging out with her and after tonight I'm kind of glad things worked out the way they did last summer cause now we can hang out as friends without there being feelings there anymore. I've been hanging out with a lot of people that in the past I've had feelings for but right now I feel nothing like I used to for any of them. The only girl I still have those feelings for is Rachael and even if we weren't hanging out I'd still be content with being friends with all these people without having to worry about liking them, so it all works...

Current Mood: calm
Monday, March 19th, 2007
9:40 pm
Alright so Rachael and I have been talking and hanging out recently, and I must say it made me feel so much better, like everything is fine again... But the thing is I don't know what I want to do. Something tells me that I should just ditch being happy right now because in the end it will all be for the better. Confused? Okay well the thing is that I am all excited that we are hanging out again and everything seems like it is going to work out, but from past experiences I know that there is a very good chance this could be leading to getting hurt again. I care for Rachael, more than I have ever cared for any other girl and so losing her once again would be even worse than before. I'm trying not to get my hopes up about it all working out but it's just something I can't help. I want to be happy but at the same time I want to do what will make me happy down the road. I don't know how she feels or anything, and not knowing is what I fear the most. I know she is not one for being in relationships and that's where we run into problems. I don't want to lose her again, but it's not all my choice...

Current Mood: confused
Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
11:02 pm

So I finished my "Now and Then" picture yesterday and I actually kind of like it. I made the older me stand out more, cause I missed those days plus I don't like my eyes in the present picture... But yep there it is...
Monday, March 5th, 2007
10:07 pm
"The Last Song I Will Ever Write About a Girl"

Broken heart again today...
The flowers that I gave to you have withered all away.
Just when I opened up my heart
The one you used to love came and ripped it right apart.

Why do I never seem to learn?
That love is wrong and girls are fucking evil.
I guess I'll never figure out
What womankind is all about.

I heard your voice again today
I'm scarred by all the lies that were once promises you'd made.
I lie in bed awake at night
And wonder what went wrong or even more just what went right.

--The Ataris

Current Mood: depressed
Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
9:36 pm
Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,

Swing life away


--Rise Against

Current Mood: calm
Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
4:25 pm
So this past week has been very eventful...

We had off school Wed. and Thur. because we got a bunch of snow and Friday and Monday we had off for President's Day. Nick and AI stayed up here Thursday night and we just hung out and whatnot. Then Friday I packed all my stuff and spent the night at Eric's. Me and Maddie talked on the phone for the first time in like a week but it was just to break up so ya know... I headed up to Holiday Valley, NY with Eric and his mother Saturday morning around 5. We got up there and skied for the most of the day until I wrecked and snapped my ski. So we went downtown and I bought I new pair. We went back and skied for the rest of the night. We took about an hour to get to the hotel that night cause it was snowing so bad... Eric and I ran around town in the car for a little, finding parking lots to spin donuts in and whatnot... We woke up and went skiing again the Sunday and it was below -11 degrees with the wind-chill, and I lost my cell phone. Not a good trip. We eventually found it but it's not working right anymore and the little light at the top is busted out but whateva. We went to Walmart so I could get a swimsuit and then stayed at a hotel right in PA. They had a hot tub and pool so that made it a great night's stay. The next morning it was a perfect day to be skiing. Cool, no wind, and no lines... We headed home around 5:00 and stopped at some little Chinese restraunt that had a really good buffet. I got home last night, took some stuff out of my car, changed some stuff on AIM and my Myspace and headed to bed. Tiring weekend...

Current Mood: tired
Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
10:41 pm
The world around me is collapsing.





...and there is nothing I can do.

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Tuesday, February 6th, 2007
4:30 pm
So I figured out so much shit has been going on lately that I haven't taken time to realize how much things have changed. I have so many mixed feelings about many different people right now and it leaves me to wonder what is going on?... So I figured I'd just name some of the important people that I have these feelings about and what's going on with them...

Dan- We've actually started back to talking again this year since we have art together and he even called me Saturday to see if I wanted to do something but I was already busy so we didn't get to but who knows...

Hunter B.- Well I guess he is mad at me for not braking up with Maddie which sucks cause I haven't had him to hang out with lately like we had been a lot.

Maddie- Well I have no idea at all what is going on between me and her so who knows. It's like she doesn't care about me anymore, and I am not sure if I really want to be with her right now...

Paul- I don't know if he is mad at me or what, I talked to him today and he didn't seem to be but the other day he was all geeking out on me, so who knows...

Rachael- I have no idea what she wants anymore, and it feels like we go through periods where we are real close and then we don't talk for awhile then things end up back to "normal". I still care about her, and I know I always will, but sometimes I just don't know how she feels about me...

The paintball team- I'm starting to think the B-Team was a bad idea because we can't practice outside and they're not ready to be taken down to Smart Parts yet, so they've been delayed on their playing time. We'll just have to see how that works out...

Current Mood: blah
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